While the year may have had a few innovative and ingenious films, there were bucket loads of some extremely craptastic films. This was a year of (terrible) sequels and (terrible) blockbusters. Some obvious candidates like Zanjeer and Policegiri are missing, since I couldn’t get myself to watch them just to write this list. Does that make me a bad writer? Yes? Okay. Anyway, here it goes:
(5) Dhoom 3:
One sentence that could aptly describe this crappier-than-crap three-quel is “haha, this is swag, bitchezzz.” If I ever came across a genie, my first wish would be that he get me Aamir Khan’s bike from this film. It turns into a motorboat, a submarine, throws hooks that allows it to jump over trucks, attaches itself to another bike, and even rides on a thin wire. If that bike were a person, it would’ve filed a police report against the producers for molestation. My second wish would be that the genie give me back the 3 hours I spent watching this film, so I could instead use it to do comparatively less painful things like putting my fingers through a fan. My final wish would be… Actually, I’m going to keep that one for later use. I’m damn sure there’s going to be a Dhoom 4.
(4) Chennai Express:
Ah, yes. The Shahrukh Khan “entertainer” by Rohit Shetty and team. It was basically a one joke film, the idea behind which was “Fuck you, South Indians”. While I appreciate the sentiment (I don’t, actually), it hardly warrants a film that appears as long as 2 years in solitary confinement, with a ham of a hero, a tree trunk of a villain, cheap-looking action and cheaper attempts at jokes. And no offense to Yo Yo Honey Singh fans (or as I call them, Yo-tards), but Lungi Dance wasn’t a tribute to Rajnikanth. It was essentially SRK telling him, “Rajni Saar, I’m sending across my spit in the form of a song. Kindly put it on your face”. It had Deepika with an accent that was the equivalent of a prospective bride walking around with a board that reads “I’m mangalik”, but she still managed to impress and single-handedly prevent this film from landing the top spot on this list.
(3) Yamla Pagla Deewana 2:
This film morphed me from Kareena Kapoor of “Jab We Met” into Ranbir Kapoor of “Barfi!”. Starring the three Deols, this film had run out of jokes within the first 15 minutes of the previous film itself. I’m sure I’m one of those people who derive pleasure out of pain, because there’s no other reason why I would watch a film that I knew was going to be so terrible. It’s the kind of bad movie that can stop your bowl movements for perpetuity. It’s the kind of bad movie that can make you choke on your own vomit. It’s the kind of bad movie that could give you AIDS from watching it. It’s just a really bad movie. And it makes waste of the talent of a spectacular actor like Anu Kapoor.
(2) Krrish 3:
India’s answer to Superman, it made you wish that you never had children, so they could never watch this film and could be spared the mental trauma. It had cheap special effects that appeared to be hand-drawn rather than being computer-generated, music that made you feel like you were being banged on the head with kitchen utensils, Vivek Oberoi in a character that was the lovechild of Magneto and Professor Xavier, and Hrithik Roshan in a double role that would probably lead to extinction of double roles in Bollywood. Throw in Priyanka ‘Exotic’ Chopra and a stone-faced Kangana Ranaut, and you’d be petitioning for legalization of Euthenasia in India. But the worst thing about the film was it’s end, which actually promised a sequel. People, the apocalypse is coming.
Ladies and gentlemen, we have a winner! It’s none other than Himmatwala! How bad is it, you ask? Tees Maar Khan was a better film. Joker was a better film. That’s how bad this 80s remake was. It made you cringe and clench in your seat so many times that you came out of the theater with an extremely muscular butt. Every single scene of this film mocks it’s viewers and says, “you’re such morons, you got sucked into watching this shit”. I knew from his 3 previous films that Said Khan was a terrible filmmaker, but he took terrible filmmaking to new heights. The acting was so hammy that you could put it together and make a pig out of it. Even the thought of this movie makes me so angry that doctors have to put me on sedatives. The only way that you can make such a piece-o-shit movie is if you actually intended to make the worst film of the year, and I hope (for the makers’sake) that it was their intention.
Director Abhinav Singh Kashyap did wrong everything that he did right in Dabangg. Superbly miscast, not a trace of novelty, masterfully unfunny, ordinary music and constantly irritating, this film managed to make me dislike even Jaaved Jaffery (who I otherwise adore) and had Rishi Kapoor in one of the worst roles of his career. But despite everything, it did teach all the mothers out there a big lesson: it’s okay to force your daughter to spend time with her stalker, as long as he’s a “good person at heart”. Bravo.
Sequel to the mildly entertaining, but equally harebrained Race, it is a big reminder of why Hollywood is so much better. Sadly, it lacked the only saving grace of its predecessor, Akshaye Khanna. The idea of sleek thrills of this Abbas-Mustan directed sham was making the leads jump out of a crashing plane in a convertible that releases parachutes when it’s in the air. I never thought the day would come when I’d say that John Abraham’s was the best performance in a film, but this movie made me do it.
The reason this erotic horror/psychological thriller didn’t make it to the top 5 is because it didn’t torture nearly enough people, on account of nobody giving a shit about it when it came out. Also, I happen to quite like Neil Nitin Mukesh as an actor, who once again gave a an extremely watchable performance in an extremely unwatchable film.
©Piyush Chopra for PosterGully.com